Category Archives: Charlotte’s Web

Old Favorites Part IV: Breaking 2nd Grade News

This one is for Norah, as it addresses my youngest daughter’s entry into the world of theater. Hannah is currently in “crunchtime” rehearsals for “Alice in Wonderland,” which means that her rehearsal hours per week really should be netting her vacation time and health insurance. “Alice” will be performed during the first week of April. Hannah is playing the role of the Three of Clubs, but she has all lines memorized for all characters — I’m really not kidding — and is prepared to step in as an understudy for anyone at all, should it be necessary. This was originally posted on April 15, 2007.

Hannah announced early last week that her class will be producing a play, to be performed at the end of the school year. They chose “Charlotte’s Web,” and she expressed interest in one of the lead roles — the part of Wilbur.


As the week progressed, Hannah’s desire to be Wilbur — to own the pig — became more urgent. She spoke, sometimes to me, occasionally just to herself, of several classmates who were also being considered for this role, and listed new reasons daily as to why she and she alone could do the part justice.

This worried me.

Each morning she declared that it was one day closer to the Day of Reckoning — Thursday — when the parts would be officially posted at a table in her classroom. It was clear to me that her hopes were so laser-focused on this one role that she might be losing sight of the fact that the play would be fun no matter what part she got. She mentioned that she was also being considered for the part of the narrator, so I did my best to sell her the idea that the narrator also had an extremely important job. Unfortunately, I knew that my consolation speech was pointless, as the narrator does not get to faint three times, sit in Fern’s lap, or wear a fuzzy pink suit.

Thursday morning, as Hannah packed up her homework, morning snack and jumprope, she reminded me that today was the day. She would learn her theatrical destiny as soon as she walked past her hallway cubby and into her classroom.

“Mom, when I come home later, you’ll know that I’m Wilbur if I have a biiiiig smile on my face,” she said. Of course, I cringed, concerned about the opposite scenario, imagining her little face contorted with pain and streaked with tears once she found out she was slated to play any other role.

All day, I worried, preparing to comfort my little blonde if she came home disappointed.

At precisely 3:45, I heard the loud rumble of Bus #9, as it groaned to a halt in front of the house. I raced to the front door. Act casual, I ordered myself. Hannah disembarked, looking at her feet.

Uh oh.

As she approached the door, she glanced up and saw me, and made an effort to flash a big, toothy “Hi, Mom!” grin. I read it as a brave attempt to show me that she was okay, and prepared for the tears.

From inside the front door, I watched as she crossed the lawn, squishing the mud beneath her boots. She walked up the steps and ditched her backpack at the threshold. Then she stretched her arms out to both sides, threw her head back, and loudly declared: “I’M WIIIIIIILBUR!!!

I have no idea how she is going to memorize all those lines.

I’m also not sure how to address this disturbing conflict of interest.

UPDATE: Mrs. P told the class earlier in the week that whomever got the role of Wilbur would have to be someone with a loud voice. Hannah is quite proud to have been positively recognized for her lack of volume control.

Diva In Training

When you’re eight years-old and wearing flip-flops in November and cruising the ‘hood with your friends, and then you fall down in a mud puddle and run back to your friend’s house in search of warm running water and dry socks, happiness is…

…chicken nuggets and hot chocolate and macaroni and cheese.

Note: There is no school today, so there are extra children here. They won’t stay still, so I can’t accurately report how many, exactly.

As I made lunch today, Hannah’s friend Josie (”Charlotte” in last spring’s Big Theatrical Production) asked, in her best hopeless-and-hungry voice, “How long until the food is ready?”

I pretended to be very offended, dropped my jaw to show my extreme shock at her question, and said, “You’re so demanding!” Then, I smiled, and answered, “Eight minutes.”

Josie widened her eyes to express her dire need for food RIGHT NOW, and said, “Eight minutes!!?? Oh, CHEEEEEZNIPPLES!!!

She spun herself around in a perfectly executed Dramatic Huff, and walked away.

(Then, I said, *snork*)

Sick Kid Update

The relapse arrived only slightly off schedule, at 4:25 PM EST yesterday. “Mom,” she moan-screeched. “My throat hurts so much, I can’t even talk.” I didn’t tell her that her energy level and impressively high vocal volume betrayed her story just a tad.

This morning, she gave the extra sick-day ploy one more try, as she crawled into bed with me, proclaiming that she was still very, very ill.

“I don’t feel good.”

She threw in a last-ditch, mournful request. “Please… feel… my… head.” She used her very best, wide-eyed croak, mustering every sad and downtrodden facial expression in her theatrical repertoire. She raised a little handful of crumpled kleenex and blew her sore nose. She blinked. She looked pathetic. All in.

I declared her fit for school.

She sighed.

Then, she dropped the act and requested a bowl of Rice Krispies and a banana, while planning her outfit for the day and fighting with her sister over who would get to bring the jump rope to school. Also, Mom, how about a turkey sandwich for the snack bag, hold the mayo?

Yep. I think we’re on the mend, here.

Of course, my paranoid mother-guilt side is just a tiny bit worried that my little blonde wasn’t kidding about the throat thing, and that I sent her to school when I shouldn’t have.

*keeps fingers crossed and cough drops at the ready*

I Haven’t Written the Review Yet!

img_4051-01.jpg

But here’s Wilbur getting a buttermilk bath…

The kids were amazing.

Hannah woke up in an emotional heap this morning, and sobbed, “I’m sad we can’t do the play anymore!” She was better after school; I suspect it helped spending the day with all of her similarly depressed barnyard friends.

OK — twist my arm — one more clip.

In this one, Wilbur finds out why s/he’s being fattened up, so Hannah gets to show off her acting chops (har) in her big “I don’t want to die!” scene. The sound is terrible, but we all know the story anyway, right?

She’s Ready

The eagerly anticipated Charlotte’s Web will open and close this evening. We’re all very excited.

I’ll report back here as soon as I can, on several topics, including the show itself, sibling jealousy, and the inevitable post-show depression.

Wilbur helps Templeton the Rat with his costume

Zuckerman Barnyard Countdown

FOUR DAYS, PEOPLE.

The big show is on Monday.

Up until this week, the kids were practicing in their classroom, but now they have been on The Big Stage twice and parent-produced props are arriving by the carload. All animals, Zuckermans, and farmhands are atwitter. They will have a full dress rehearsal tomorrow, during school.

I asked Hannah if they had practiced their curtain call yet, and she very matter-of-factly said, “Uh huh! And I get to go last.”

I shot her a smile and a wide-eyed look, and she said, “Best for last!” Then she proceeded to instruct me on her hair and makeup preferences.

Diva Desensitization Training begins Tuesday.

Hannah’s Afterschool Shopping Spree

This afternoon, after a long day of adding, subtracting, spelling and — of course — rehearsing her lines, Hannah spent five weeks worth of her allowance on a Shining Star. These stuffed toys are one company’s answer to the mind-numbing, wallet-emptying insanity of the delightful and captivating Webkinz phenomenon.

Note: If at this point you are wrinkling your brow and thinking, “What the [very bad word] is she talking about?” please know that you are among an extremely fortunate few, and enjoy the fact that nobody is lining up behind you and fighting with her sister about who gets to borrow your computer to adopt “Pickles the Platypus” while you make dinner.

Hannah’s room is littered with stuffed pets. They have a way of taking over the house, not to mention being mostly forgotten, so I have thrown away more purple kitties and pink elephants and fluffy puppies than I can count (I know. I’m the Meanest Mom Ever. I’m over it.) Still, Hannah wanted a Shining Star so much that she chose to save her money until she could buy one herself.

There are 24 varieties of these little critters. There’s a tiger and a monkey and hey, I think the penguin’s pretty cute.

Guess which one Hannah chose and named “Wilbur”?

wilbur.jpg

She’s planning to take Wilbur to school tomorrow to see if she can get her (yes, her) a gig as a stage prop.

I can’t argue with the logic. An employed pig is safe from the smokehouse.

UPDATE:

Conflict Of Interest Update

Reader Warning: Shameless self-promotion to follow; this entry may contains multiple links to my own old tired *classic!* blog entries.

I cooked bacon this morning. Real bacon. Not the baconish-flavored turkey “bacon” that I usually make, but the actual, traditional, greasy, crispy, oh-so-delicious, Homer Simpson-approved, full-fat pork product.

I don’t do this often. On the rare occasion that I go whole hog (har!) and fry up the real stuff, I am treated to high praise and all-day heartfelt thanks from my children.

Especially Hannah.

She of the bacon, egg and cheese sammich fame; enthusiastic Charlotte’s Web fan; imminent elementary-school stage personality — the very girl who once apologized before devouring her favorite bagel-encased, salty strips-o-cured-meat lunch.

This morning, Hannah’s tastebuds took an unexpected turn.


My little Wilbur turned in her breakfast dishes with all of the bacon — minus one bite — still on the plate. This is unprecedented. Hannah usually licks the pork portion of her plate clean, then asks for more. I asked her if she felt sick. I expressed my surprise at her absence of pork-inspired enthusiasm.

She looked at me, slightly mournfully, and said, “I don’t know, Mom. It just tastes funny.”

Method actress in the house! Piggies don’t eat their own.

Breaking 2nd Grade News

Hannah announced early last week that her class will be producing a play, to be performed at the end of the school year. They chose “Charlotte’s Web,” and she expressed interest in one of the lead roles — the part of Wilbur.


As the week progressed, Hannah’s desire to be Wilbur — to own the pig — became more urgent. She spoke, sometimes to me, occasionally just to herself, of several classmates who were also being considered for this role, and listed new reasons daily as to why she and she alone could do the part justice.

This worried me.

Each morning she declared that it was one day closer to the Day of Reckoning — Thursday — when the parts would be officially posted at a table in her classroom. It was clear to me that her hopes were so laser-focused on this one role that she might be losing sight of the fact that the play would be fun no matter what part she got. She mentioned that she was also being considered for the part of the narrator, so I did my best to sell her the idea that the narrator also had an extremely important job. Unfortunately, I knew that my consolation speech was pointless, as the narrator does not get to faint three times, sit in Fern’s lap, or wear a fuzzy pink suit.

Thursday morning, as Hannah packed up her homework, morning snack and jumprope, she reminded me that today was the day. She would learn her theatrical destiny as soon as she walked past her hallway cubby and into her classroom.

“Mom, when I come home later, you’ll know that I’m Wilbur if I have a biiiiig smile on my face,” she said. Of course, I cringed, concerned about the opposite scenario, imagining her little face contorted with pain and streaked with tears once she found out she was slated to play any other role.

All day, I worried, preparing to comfort my little blonde if she came home disappointed.

At precisely 3:45, I heard the loud rumble of Bus #9, as it groaned to a halt in front of the house. I raced to the front door. Act casual, I ordered myself. Hannah disembarked, looking at her feet.

Uh oh.

As she approached the door, she glanced up and saw me, and made an effort to flash a big, toothy “Hi, Mom!” grin. I read it as a brave attempt to show me that she was okay, and prepared for the tears.

From inside the front door, I watched as she crossed the lawn, squishing the mud beneath her boots. She walked up the steps and ditched her backpack at the threshold. Then she stretched her arms out to both sides, threw her head back, and loudly declared: “I’M WIIIIIIILBUR!!!

I have no idea how she is going to memorize all those lines.

I’m also not sure how to address this disturbing conflict of interest.

UPDATE: Mrs. P told the class earlier in the week that whomever got the role of Wilbur would have to be someone with a loud voice. Hannah is quite proud to have been positively recognized for her lack of volume control.

An In-Depth Movie Review

We went to see Charlotte’s Web today. I have been looking forward to this movie since I first saw the trailer many months ago, as I vividly remember Charlotte’s Web as the first book that ever made me cry. It appeals intensely to my inner sap. And how can you beat a family movie that casts Steve Buscemi as Templeton, The Rat?

We all loved the movie. And, yes, Charlotte and Wilbur made me cry.

This was the conversation we had in the car on the way home.

Hannah: “SOME PIG” was my favorite thing that Charlotte wrote. I don’t know what “RADIANT” means.

Sam: That’s because you’re stupid.

Me: Sam, what does “RADIANT” mean?

Sam: Next Christmas, I want a dirt bike.

Me: Hannah, “RADIANT” means “especially beautiful.”

Hannah: What about that other word? “HUMBLE”? I don’t know what that means, either.

Me: Someone is “HUMBLE” when they are beautiful or smart or radiant or terrific, but they don’t brag about it. And when people compliment them, they just quietly say “thank you.”

Hannah: I say “thank you” to the lunch lady when she gives me my lunch. And I gave her one of the cookies we made for our holiday party. Nobody ever remembers to give the lunch lady anything!

Me: Hannah, that was incredibly thoughtful. That makes me feel proud of you.

Hannah: I know.

Sam: I liked Templeton. In the commercial, he said he was the star of the movie.

Hannah: That’s not humble. Which one of the baby spiders did you like best?

Sam: None of them. They were all girls.

Hannah: Can we get Happy Meals, now?

I think I’ll cook bacon tomorrow morning, just to see what happens.